On Turning 29 & Renouncing 'Cool'
Dog-Ear: Dec. 15, 2023
12/15: I believe I am now 29, will you hear me if I speak w/ my whole chest? My whole body? I will speak anyway. Twenty-nine and sick of pretending I don't like sweetness, in my latte, in my life. My friends know - I am bottled Lambrusco, a sparkling red, ridiculous thing, easy to sip The world is drooling, drooling for each of us, each of us in all our differences, spice blend & wine pairing. I am cinnamon in everything, melted like mercury.
I knew I was never pink but that's where I started, before red, before purple. I get breakfast at the hotel for free today. I saved a gift card from my boss for it. Waffles & coffee & I have $1.29 left on it. Nothing here costs less than $5 but whatever, let's get the decadence out of the way. I am #14 today and chose couch in the sun - like home, like I never left, 20 minutes away 25 minutes ago. It's here that I lament the past, because there is one, because it's w/ us every day, because it's a miracle more and more. Age is my exploration, unique and shared like everything. I'm a hard lesson, hate to sit still. Give me all the details, something to hold onto, my stamina restless, needs taming. Here, I forgive myself and lick up life.
I speak in metaphor, not to be poetic but because I recognize truth in replication, in mirrors, in seeing it in all its forms. The way I like to eat is the way I like to fuck is the way I like to live, slowly but finishing every bite. I am looking deeply for quality. I see where I am investing, where I am overspending, where I am choosing to miss out or meet in the middle. Life is so funny, I can't hold my bark back. I am studying laughter.
I believe I am now 29. I am changing every second, it's remarkable. I am craving salt, now in the shadows. Leather and silver, fuzzy dice in my eyes driving over the bridge, I listen to my favorite songs and remember myself. I spend my birthday happy. Feeling good, eating good, connecting w/ people who have meant so much to me this year. I get “OK” tattooed on my hand in honor of Portland, in honor of acceptance, in honor of my contagious collector’s spirit. I spend my birthday w/ the sun and ropes unbound, spend it timeless in my favorite city, full belly, crowded bar and open world. I collect my friends’ voices - wishes and poems and moments in time when they were thinking of me. My friends and I talk about pleasure. My friends all sing to me and confuse the bar. Everyone knows the words to ‘happy birthday’ even if they don’t know who they’re singing to.
I am renouncing 'cool'. 'Cool' hasn't given me shit. I'm gooey & weak in here like everyone else. I've always been waterworks and wanting to be held I crafted a mirage and it was believed, in some kind of desert, on some kind of journey, fear in front fear behind. Then I had to live in it. Faced w/ closeness, I added distance. I befriended Mystery & giving unevenly. I was quick to feel exile, having exiled the reality of me already. I wanted to be under the skin of others, so uncomfortable in my own, and was more protective than I needed to be. I know now, identity can be yours + mine together. At some point, we learn there are endless ways to build a life. I tried to transmute shame into something useful. I wanted integrity before I knew what it was. I listened very closely to the things I enjoyed, to the people that inspired me, made decisions like projections from the back room of my mind, fear in front fear behind. Something started slamming doors, something like true love, true and different love, what fills up a room, fills up a life. What I love, I love deeply, obsess only to deepen love, not to take it away. Life is an exploration of authentic enjoyment, trial and error, collections, collaboration, carrying what you love w/ you at all times.
I believe I am now 29. I believe I trust myself at last. I am proud now to stand behind and in front of the things I love, to stand beside the people I love, sharing it all w/ the world while it’s still here. I am no longer unreachable above or crushed below. I have never been as strange as I am now. I started youth aching: too strange. I ended youth aching: not strange enough (reins left free & then pulled tight, taught, truth in the comfortable grip, to run and play instead of fight). In insecurity, I held back the truth of me, not allowing myself to feel, feel anything, and not supporting who was around me, feeling, not knowing how to listen or hold tenderly. As always, feelings brew in the body and, for years, I ignored that too. In age, I have no choice, this body w/ so much to say still.
I have never been as strange! I have pulled up the roots of me and found the heart beneath, starved and stubborn! I wear it as a crown, this throbbing, earthly thing. I'm talking about embodiment, after doing so much w/out knowing why, saying what I thought I was supposed to say, putting on ‘cool’ to hide everything else. No more of that! I love how little I know! If I am not cool, yes, I agree. If I am cool, it is because I am love. Cool is a thief of intimacy. Cool is a costume, it is a stage, it is a cage, it is a box, it is four walls and only windows, getting dressed where everyone can see. My individuality is a collector, once protective and precious and now, an honest breath, queer and mutating and wanting to share, wanting to spread, wanting to hold and inspire or just utter what it believes. There is responsibility, here, and possibility, glory.
This is the start of fullness. I love what I love w/ my whole being. I hope you do too. We can show each other. We free ourselves to free one another. Thank you.