What's your pleasure? What is your pain?

Dog-Ear: Feb. 8, 2024

2/8: Last night, I showered w/ shame. I remembered that my secret New Year’s resolution was to stop punishing myself. On a now-deleted post I wrote, I am sick of paying attention to myself, I just want someone else to do it. I am writing it again, feeling it again. OK OK OK

The G room smells of smoke of all kinds, like I am forging and cleansing. I am only forgiving when I am calm and talking out loud. Sitting in silence, I am everything, everything, can’t settle on forgiveness w/ so much pollution in the water. I see it now floating around, coming off of me, the water unclean and the air visibly spiraling.

It has gotten hard to talk to people. Well, it’s been hard for a while but for different reasons all the time. My honesty is restless w/ words - have you noticed? Has it hurt you? My body is here, my body didn’t mean it (speaking can be like shoving handfuls of dirt into a hard drive, blood meeting metal, a voice I don’t always recognize, sounding different in my head).